How did your last conversation with your spouse/parent/kid/etc go? Still blaming them for it? Did you know that what you say will influence human behavior only 7% of the time? How you use your voice (quality) is much more important and is 38% of what influences another person. But 55% of the conversation comes from your physiology - how you use your body. Think a moment about that conversation that went sour. Is the other party still to blame? Did you play a part in that? How can you fix it? Better yet - do you want to?
Self and Soul
Self-Directed Online Group Therapy for Addictions
January 03, 2009
January 02, 2009
Do it now!
Did you sit down yesterday and resolve to create a change in your life that could have a lasting and positive impact on yourself and those around you? Did you decide when you would start to work on these resolutions? When would be the best time to start implementing this idea?
NOW!!
You want to get on it today! Light a fire under your behind - one that compels you to stand up and take notice of the reasons why you want that change. One that is emotional and full of fear if you don't make the change. We move toward the lesser fear - make the change less fearful than where you are now and you'll move in the direction that you are looking for.
January 01, 2009
Resolutions
Will you make any? I have in the past and yes, most, if not all, went unresolved. This year I will do it differently. I making a resolution aimed at the foundation of most things I would resolve to do. This year my resolution is to be strong. Huh?! I know that sounds strange but how do you define "strength?" Strength is not about not being needy but about getting needs met. In this way, strength works hand-in-hand with vulnerability - but being willing to face it directly and recognizing when you need to ask for help. With strength I believe I can overcome any financial, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or other issue I may experience. Yup, this year, I resolve to be strong. What are your resolutions?
December 30, 2008
Robert Herrick's famous lines
Gather the rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
To-morrow will be dying.
Why these words? Do you recognize them? Robin Williams plays an English teacher in Dead Poets Society and he explains them well...
"Because we are food for worms, lads. Because we're only going to experience a limited number of springs, summers, and falls. One day, hard as it is to believe, each and every one of us is going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die!"
Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Make today the start of a new beginning, the next step toward a goal, the achievement of the goal - just don't waste it - in "time" terms, we cannot get back that which is gone. Live with passion! Live with purpose! Enjoy life and live well - for you and for others around you.
Methadone Can kill Even at Therapeutic Levels
From About.com: Alcoholics
Methadone, a drug used primarily for drug addiction withdrawal and chronic pain relief, can cause sudden cardiac death even when it is not overdosed, but is taken at normal therapeutic levels. This warning was issued by Oregon Health and Science University researchers after studying cases of sudden cardiac deaths in Portland, Oregon.
The researchers evaluated all sudden cardiac deaths in the Portland area between 2002 and 2006 where detailed autopsies were performed. One group consisted of 22 deaths in which toxicology reports found 1 mg or less of methadone. They compared these cases with 106 in which no methadone was found.
In the first group, 17 of 22, or 77 percent, had no significant cardiac abnormalities and only five had evidence of coronary artery disease. In the control group, 60 percent had identifiable evidence of cardiac disease or structural abnormalities.
"The unexpectedly high proportion of otherwise unexplained sudden deaths in the therapeutic methadone group points to a significant contribution of this drug toward the occurrence of sudden cardiac death among these patients," said Sumeet Chugh, M.D., lead investigator, in a news release.
Sleep Apnea a Risk Also
More than half of the 22 in the first case group were using the drug for pain control, three for drug addiction, three for recreational use and four for an undetermined reason, the researchers found.
The authors noted that they could not rule out sleep apnea as a cause of deaths for some in the methadone group. Others studies have found that methadone prevention programs have increased sleep architecture abnormalities and a higher prevalence of sleep apnea.
Dr. Chugh suggests using additional safeguards before placing patients on methadone, such as an electrocardiogram and assessment of risk for respiratory suppression.
The study was published in the January 2008 issue of The American Journal of Medicine.
December 29, 2008
Enablers Described - Part 2
Excerpts from About.com: Alcoholism - Buddy T
The examples from yesterday may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all. So which of the spouses described [yesterday] -- the Rescuer, the Martyr, or the Provoker -- is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem? All of them. It's easy to define the "rescuer" or "caretaker" as an enabler.
She is enabling him simply by not allowing him to face the consequences of his own actions. He wakes up in the bed warm and toasty the next morning, not even remembering that he passed out in the front yard.
Why should he ever admit that he has a problem? With her rushing in to "put pillows under him" each time he falls, he never feels the pain of the fall. If his drinking never becomes painful, due to her heroic efforts to protect him, why should he ever decide to stop?
But the other two role models are also enabling. How? Because their reactions to the alcoholic's behavior allows him to focus on their reaction rather than his own behavior.
If he wakes up the next morning in the yard and comes into the house to face the rath of the provoker or the shame of the martyr or "victim," then his natural response is to react to that behavior, rather than his own.
Moreover, both the provoker's and the martyr's actions are designed to manipulate him with guilt, which believe it or not, he feels. But if he is truly an alcoholic, his reaction will not be to own up to his mistakes, but to try to escape them once again -- in the bottle.
The Correct Reaction?
So what is the best way to react to the situation described? How do you react when the alcoholic has pulled another one of his stunts? The answer is to not react at all! Pretend as if nothing happened!
If the alcoholic wakes up the next morning and comes into the house where everything is going on normally -- the kids are getting ready for school, you are doing your hair and the coffee's on the stove -- then the only thing left for him to face is his own behavior.
Any embarrasment or shame brought on by him passing out in the front yard for all the neighbors to see, belongs to him and him alone. It's his problem, not anyone else's. His behavior is the problem, not your reaction to it.
If you greet him with a "Good morning, dear, the coffee's ready!" just as if nothing unusual had happened, you have done your part right. You did not allow someone else's inappropriate behavior to provoke your own inappropriate behavior. You have not given the alcoholic the opportunity to "change the subject." He is left alone to face his own pain and shame by himself. When that pain gets to be strong enough, he will be ready to get help.
Until he is ready to reach out for help with his drinking problem, all the scolding, manipulating, and controlling efforts on your part are not going to do any good whatsoever and will only cause you to get pulled further into the family disease of alcoholism.
December 28, 2008
Enablers Described - Part 1
From About.com: Alcoholism - Buddy T
As the saying goes, you are not the cause of someone else's drinking problem, you cannot cure it and you can't control it.
But there are ways that you may be contributing to the problem.
Before placing the blame for all the problems in your family or your relationship on his (or her) drinking, it might be wise to examine how the other person's drinking may have affected you, and how you have reacted to it. For example, does the following statement sound familiar?
I don't have a problem with my drinking! The only problem is your attitude. If you would quit complaining about it, there wouldn't be a problem!
Well, obviously that statement is not completely accurate; after all denial of the problem is one of the more frustrating parts of the problem.
On the other hand the statement may not be completely false either.
How do you react to the alcoholic's drinking? Could your reaction be a part of the overall problem? Have you fallen into "role playing" in the family? Is there anything that you can do to improve the situation?
The following describes an incident that could be an example of alcoholic behavoir, and some examples of reactions to the incident. Does any of these sound familiar?
The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too drunk in fact to get the key into the front door lock. After several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause. Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to sleep in the front yard!
How would you react?
The Rescuer
The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident become a "problem." Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed!
She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.
As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilites that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail.
The Provoker
The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!
She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.
She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later.
The Martyr
The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behavoir and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!"
She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.
Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel quilty for his behavoir.
Which is the Enabler?
The above examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.
So which of the spouses described above is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem?
All of them. (read part 2 tomorrow)
December 27, 2008
Health Risks For Women
Excerpts from About.com:Alcoholism
Women who abuse alcohol, or even occassionally drink to excess, face greater risks to their health than their male counterparts. Women who drink get drunk quicker than men, even taking into account the difference in body weight. But there is also evidence that they become addicted faster than men and suffer the consequences of abuse-related illnesses sooner than their male counterparts. Alcohol increases a woman's risk of developing serious illnesses and an increased risk of heart disease, liver disease, ulcers, reproductive problems, osteoporosis, pancreatitis, memory loss, and other illnesses caused by substance and alcohol abuse. The effects of alcohol on the liver are more severe for women than for men. Women develop alcoholic liver disease, particularly alcoholic cirrhosis and hepatitis, after a shorter period of time than men. Proportionately more alcoholic women die from cirrhosis than do alcoholic men.
Other Health Problems
In the "late stages" of alcoholism in women, they also develop hypertension, anemia, and malnutrition much quicker than alcoholic men, according to the Centers for Disease Control. A study by the Journal of the American Medical Association, showed that a woman's risk of breast cancer rises with the amount of alcohol regularly consumed. Drinking moderately or not at all can reduce the chance of getting breast cancer. The study showed that women who drink two to five alcoholic drinks each day, were 41 percent more likely to develop breast cancer than nondrinkers. Excessive alcohol consumption also increases the risk of several digestive-tract cancers. These health risk are even greater for older women. Women are more likely than men to start drinking heavily later in life, and many times their alcohol abuse goes undiagnosed.
Reproductive Problems
Menstrual disorders have also been associated with chronic heavy drinking, which can lead to fertility problems. If a woman does get pregnant and continues to drink, it is not her health only that can be effected. The alcohol in the blood is carried into the baby's bloodstream. Because the baby is still developing, consuming alcohol can lead to a miscarriage. It can also lead to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Fetal Alcohol Effects birth defects, which are irriversible. In fact, the dangers of drinking while pregnant are so great, the March of Dimes recommends that women stop drinking before trying to become pregnant.
December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas to all!
Enjoy your families, friends, and your celebrations! Take it one day at a time. I'll see you back on the 27th - tomorrow I cook!!!
